facepalm

I think its easier on the heartbreaker if they remain friends with the breakie, and easier on the heartbroken to sever all ties with the breaker. and time should heal all wounds right? what if the broken breaks the rules and tries only to help all the ones who did them wrong? Plays their game until they see how the actions have changed the it for the better. in my experience this is horseshit. but im at it again, not sure if its for them or me. honestly i just want everyone to be happy(impossible i know but why not try)

i havent done this for a long time and i think im due for a literal puke fest, but everything else i try seems to end up much more destructive than a few words on a blog that no one will ever read... so

another relationshit destroyed by my febel attempts at companionship. it cant always be my fault, in fact "they" always say its them and not I. How can i believe this bs when im the one stuck here alone late at night and they are off enjoying the company of othewrs.

I've been told to write what i know, but what i know doesnt intrest anyone especially me. im interested in being happy, living a fulfilling life that keeps me guessing as to what adventure awaits me around the next bend. maybe thats what i know. that all im here to do is strive for the simple, honest life i will never obtain. the shit that seams easy to everyone else who crosses my path and throws their accomplishments in my face, unbeknownst to them.
i wonder if they do it on purpose, or if it just feels like it every time the mention how happy they are about their upcoming nuptials, or due date, or mortgage downpayment.

So here i am again doing the one thing that helps(and hurts), drinking alone in the dark. but atleast im venting throught the keys. and even though it makes me feel better i know im doing nothing productive but refining my very own hunt'n'peck typing method, and keeping dust from forming on my glass. at least im not complaining to some bartender who wants nothing more than to finnish their shift and get back to the one person who makes them feel a little less insigniffigant. fawk, thats all i want. Someone to listen to my ramblings and give a reassureing nod or glance during the commercial breaks of "our" existance. someone to fake interest when its needed. maybe they're out there doing the same thing, wondering whats wrong with themselves and cursing all those who find it so easy to find companionship. i wonder if they're easy to find on google. nevermind, im too superficial to chat with someone if there isnt an imediate physical attraction. who am i fucking kidding, if there is an attraction i usually cant talk with them without a fifth of rye in the veins anyway.